A big, fat dose of reality

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was back in the office, which had a nice feeling of familiarity to it, after all the moving around and changes, and after work I got my running shoes on and took to the hills. I missed my turnoff back to the usual road home and ended up miles out of the way and with nothing to do except 'just keep running' in the general direction that I wanted to go. Much like I must do now in the rest of my life.

Late last night I had a terrible moment of clarity which made me temporarily lose my SOH. I have accepted that the relationship is over and can feel lucky that I had those years, even if it seemed to end suddenly and prematurely. I would have preferred a different outcome, but at the same time, when someone asks for their freedom, the only right thing is to give it to them with fully open hands. That's ok, these things happen. It's a bitch, but I will move on and find love again. What bites now is just the sheer reality of my situation. It's quite terrifying and I feel like a complete fool actually for not considering what would become of me if this situation ever arose. For a start, I have completely neglected to build any sort of financial stability for myself during what should have been my prime earning years and, apart from a sort of mix of sales/low-level management/customer service/health knowledge, have no readily marketable skills or qualifications. Having all my stability and security ripped out from under me is, quite frankly, overwhelmingly frightening. Because I was in a relationship with a financially stable man, and was convinced that 'this is forever', I did not seriously apply myself to turning a buck. Instead I focused on gaining skills that I thought would give me credibility in our business, Sana Direct, and in the family business (the factory). Also I was operating under the assumption that we would be starting a family. So, as they say, it's a whole new ballgame now and it's only natural that I currently feel like I can't handle any of it. I think that my situation is familiar to just about every woman that has gone from comfortable double income living to uncomfortable insecurity. Of course, none of this affects Jason. All that is different in his life is that I am not there messing up the house and complaining when I can't work the TV. I don't feel bitter, I just feel like an idiot for not planning ahead. There is also the added emotion of realising that the end of this relationship probably (not definitely, but probably) spells the end of my chance to be a mother. I can't think about that right now though, besides, I do have my niece and nephew and who could be sure that I could make a baby as cute as either of them anyway?

So, I have to take stock now, gather up my experiences/skills/interests/sense of adventure and go do something useful and lucrative and fun. I must just keep going in the direction of my dreams, but first, I have to get redirected, feet on the ground, gun loaded, safety catch off... (just kidding).