Today.. it must be a new phase...

First there was the 'ok, this can't be happening' phase, then there is the 'waaaaah, I'm so sad and want to die and I miss him' phase and now I'm in a very interesting phase, which might be called the 'don't say anything to piss me off' phase. I'm feeling very angry and insulted and it's quite weird because it's not 'just' that. It's not pure, white hot anger. No. It's .. something else.

First there is the realisation that I've been treated in a certain way. I've been basically treated the same as you would a cat or dog that you don't want anymore. I guess it's only natural to have some anger, some feelings of being mortally insulted, and also some self questioning. Is there something wrong with me, that would make an otherwise perfectly nice person treat me that way? Then, the self doubt. How could I have not known that this man that I raved about to my friends and family, did not feel the same about me? How could I have deluded myself so badly? Then I get angry again. How could HE have deluded me so badly? The day before we broke up we were talking about how we wanted to be millionaires by 40 and that probably buying more houses was the best way to do this. My mind is sifting, sifting all the time, trying to find little clues that he cares even a little bit about me still, even as a friend, but the obvious is that he doesn't. This is not the man I knew. I look at what he has done and it just seems so weak. So gutless and immature.

Today I got a quick email saying the he has had the house valued and was going to the bank on Monday to sort out the money. The speed of it all is kind of frightening and I want it to at least slow down. I need time to regroup and plan my strategy. I don't want a quick 'here's your money, now fuck off and I don't care what happens to you'. I'm going back home tomorrow and I'm going to take my time at making my next move. I'm not going to be bullied around and told what to do. There's been too much of that. I need to look after myself so that I come out of this stronger and better. I know that Jason wants me out of there, he wants me gone so that he doesn't have to consider my existence ever again, but I am real, I am here and I deserve to be given a fair deal, not shoved out the door then ignored. Maybe what I'm feeling is self preservation kicking in.

The other thing going around in my head is 'how can he be so sure'? That's really getting to me today. That whole thought pattern - how can he be so ready to lock the door on our life together, without even trying, not even for a day, a week? What would it have cost him to see if this relationship could have been saved? Why didn't he want to try? That's what I don't get.. at all.