Infinite Self - Follow Up Step Five

Ten days ago, I made a list of 10 things to do differently for 10 days as part of the 33 disciplines from The Infinite Self.  The days have passed and it's time for a check-in. 

1. Habit: Leaving many windows and documents open on my computer. I can't bear to close them in case I never find it again!!  New Behaviour: Have a maximum of three things open on the computer at any one time.

This has been a tough habit to break, but right now I've got five windows open - this one (Blogger), a flute music MP3 which is playing, flute sheet music, gmail and IS9 on the Foodsafety site, which I'll need today. This is significant improvement, and I intend to stick with it. After all, it's only possible to work adequately on one thing at a time. It's also been easier to shut down the computer at the end of the day. This is surely better for the planet than observing that it will take 15 minutes to bookmark, save and close everything and deciding to just leave the thing on overnight.

2. Habit: Piling things up on my bedside table until it's a constant effort to stop the pile falling over. New Behaviour: Keep the bedside table free of clutter.

Better.  As reading in bed is perhaps my favourite thing, there will always be diverse reading materials close at hand.  I have replaced the nasty wax candles with non-toxic soy ones. The sunglasses are my blue-blockers. I wear them when I'm reading, and it helps my brain get ready for sleep.

Here's a 'before and after'. Yes, I know. You don't really need to say it. :-/

3. Habit: Whining.  New Behaviour: Go 48 hours without making a single complaint or negative/judgemental statement (no whining).

Didn't manage it.  Maybe I need to lower the bar. Start with 15 minutes?  It did shock me how difficult this is, and how often my conversations with people are a whinefest. Isn't anyone happy anymore?  Needs work.

4. Habit: Same coffee shop. New Behaviour: Go to a different coffee shop every time I go out for coffee.

Achieved and enjoyed it.  I checked out the new C1 and Fava. This process was made a lot easier by my usual coffee shop becoming practically inaccessible due to earthquake repairs.   

5. Habit: Talking about myself. New Behaviour: Listen, ask people about themselves.

Getting there... people are interesting! I struggle with how to do this and not seem like I'm interrogating with a list of questions or getting too personal: "so, where are you from, what do you do for a job? Are you married? do you have kids? what are your hobbies? do you play an instrument? What's a nice person like you doing in this crazy place? I like your shoes, where did you get them?".  

6. Habit: J'adore or Amarige. New Behaviour: Wear at least three different perfumes

Two: Dune (ick) and Christian Dior Dolce Vita (niiice!). 

7. Habit: Same Spotify playlist every evening. New Behaviour: Listen only to music I've not heard before.

Discovered: Yothu Yindi.  I also tried just listening to the Spotify top 100, or randomly selecting an album from 'just added', but this often made me want to put tape over my ears.  I fell back on searching 'classical' or 'flute duets' and fulfilled my obligation that way.  

8. Habit: Never making time for craftwork, putting if off. New behaviour: Attend a craft workshop (I've booked in for a dollmaking workshop.. hahahahaha, oh man, I hope I can pull this off).

Dolls almost made:  1. 

My dolly is a work-in-progress. It's going to be a daffodil marionette puppet, can you tell? 

Attending a storytelling and dollmaking workshop was the best part of this 10 day shake-up because it attacked my comfort zone in many ways (people I don't know, will they like me?! OMG I can't sew! I don't even have the time for this!), and that was the main point of the 10 day exercise.  The class was such a good time, sitting around with a bunch of awesome women, talking and hand sewing.  It was one of those 'yes, I've been missing this in my life' experiences.

I also went to a 'Chakradance' workshop yesterday. To be honest, although the facilitator was lovely, I didn't connect with Chakradance at all, and won't be continuing with it (Nia has my heart). However, at the end of the class we drew a Mandala, and that was fun.

I thought mine was quite ok, until realising that my vortexes resemble '666'. Demonic mandala was not the goal.  It's swirling energy! You can see that, right? Tell me I'm not the anti-christ.

9. Habit: Down the river, around the health centre. New Behaviour: Take a different route on my daily walk.

Done!  Nothing much to report, except that I had to think harder about where to walk and how long it would take. Other parts around here are just as cool, but not as quiet, so I'll probably return to my regular path.

10. Habit: Must be Plugged In. New Behaviour: Have two technology-free days.

Complete fail. Will try again while on holiday in a few weeks.

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Overall, this was a worthwhile exercise, and something I'll repeat soon, with different challenges. Next time I'll make the list shorter; ten things was a few too many. I think five would be about right.

Thanks for your comments on the 23 and Me post. I guess I'm not the only one that likes to go all Sherlock Holmes on my own chromosomes! 

Next post: Paleo bacon maple banana pancakes. Here's a preview, please try not to lick the screen :D

Addiction, Food Only Fit for Relatives..

Addiction. I'm prone to it. I'm definitely what you'd call an 'addictive personality', and as I progress through life, it's becoming more obvious to me how I latch onto a thing, then another. It's like my brain is always scanning for the next whatever to make me feel amazing.

Unlike Mog, who just gets himself there with a bit of meditation and the most frail winter sunbeam.

At times I've directed myself toward a relatively healthy, or at least not madly destructive obsession: for example, the pursuit of a fitness goal, a business endeavour or when I am going deep with a complicated concept in my studies.  At other times I can veer toward epic self-destruction.

The major addiction of my life was to overeating, although calorie counting and scale-watching took over for a while. I've been addicted to the internet, to buying stuff, various substances and, once or twice, I've become addicted to / dependent on the presence or attention of a person.  That last one is a major P.I.A.

I believe that the right combination of circumstance+personality could create an addiction to almost anything, and I feel empathy for people that are hooked on something.  It's not necessarily the 'thing; it's what it does to you - the biochemical rush, the withdrawal.  Whether that is instigated by an external (e.g. drugs) or internal chemical is irrelevant, in my opinion.  The sign of addiction is when something goes from fun to a desperate and involuntary need/craving.  I've learned to catch the initial signs of an addiction developing and most times I can stop it.   Most times. 

One thing I have figured out is that if I have a goal in my sights, and am being thwarted (what a word.. thwarted, it sounds so stage-actor dramatic), that's when I am most likely to get my kicks in less healthy ways.  It's as if my brain processes, unable to go full bore in the desired direction, turn back on me. Lately I've had a bit of that: obstacles in my path.

I was musing on this today in the supermarket.  Last week I got pissed off my level of alcohol consumption and stopped.  A couple of nights I found I'd drunk a bottle of wine by myself, which is new, and I got mightily sick of doing things I'd rather not (drunk Facebooking? not awesome) and of feeling slightly depressed all the time.  Time for a break. Usually that's no biggie.

However, as I was driving to the supermarket I was surprised that my mind got excited to be heading in the direction of the wine.  I could feel my body acting up. While shopping, I was forcefully arguing my thoughts away from the wine dept., having trouble remembering my list, and felt kind of shaky. When I left without any vino, my brain got sad and all my energy faded away.  I felt seriously grumpy all evening. I ate a lot of chocolate.

Observing my thoughts on the issue, I think the best thing is to take an even longer break (nooooo).  That's the way to deal with an almost-addiction. Abstinence is really the only way.  For addictions, the method that works for me is to control what I can, and that's the behaviour. I don't believe in wasting energy trying to control an involuntary thought pattern. You have to act contrary to what your thoughts and deepest feelings are telling you to do (difficult, yes, very), and eventually those thoughts and feelings come on board. It's a little different to other achievements, where it is often possible to first direct your thoughts on a new path. 

Why mention any of this? From what I've seen, addictive behaviours and obsessions are relatively common in people that have struggled with weight or eating. I just wanted to put it out there. I may be slim now, but inside, I'm still a true and committed weirdo, just like you, and have to manage my crazy brain on a daily basis.  Any questions or comments?

We shall now discuss slightly deficient gnocchi.

You know when you make something and it just doesn't turn out quite as anticipated, even though you have your domestic goddess apron on?

My plan was kumara gnocchi.  I didn't realise that one of the kumara was a purple one, and therefore the colour was suspect.

The gnocchi looked ok, but once the cooking started, I became a bit worried.

It's a texture thing. They didn't really firm up enough and were more like blobs of glue (mmmm.. glue...). If the dinner guest had been anyone but my mum, the evening would have become pizza night. But we persisted.

Cheese sauce and a hunk of blue cheese almost made it good.

Not really.  I hope the chocolate caramel pie comes out better (t minus 2 hours for that - it's chilling right now). Pics tomorrow, if there is any left ;)

X

Evolution :D

I have to say, lately, blogging has been a struggle. I'm just not into it and I had to think hard about why that is, exactly...

It was Kek's latest post about it being 10 years since she embraced a healthy lifestyle, that finally got through to me. Kek and I started on our health journey in the same year. That was the year I got sane about eating well, trained like a hero and won my category in the NZ Body for Life competition.  That's how I met so many awesome people that I love to bits (Kek, SaraHT, Raina, Liz, Brendon, Amanda, Chris, Clara, I'm looking at you all - or y'all (Clara and Sara), haha) .

Ten years ago.

Since then, give or take a few binge eating relapses, I've maintained the healthy lifestyle that is now settled in my identity.  Whether I'm lifting weights, doing Zumba, busting out some yoga moves or just walking by the river, I've stuck with moving my body and eating unprocessed food - lots of veges, few grains, very few industrial oils, little sugar, few nightshades, lower fat, high nutrient, alkaline, listen to my body - it's really not complicated. In fact, it's quite mundane and boring.

My weight is right where I want it (22kg down from where I started), I don't have to think too hard about what I eat and.. slowly.. my mind has turned to other things. I think this is a natural evolution.  It was a serious challenge for me to master my body and my eating. It was far beyond difficult. Food was my comfort and my drug. I suffered with feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness and panicked when faced with unfamiliar eating situations. Everything hinged on my feelings around food and my body, or more exactly, my scale weight. That little number held ultimate power for far too long.

Over the years, I've faced all of that.  I've focused on it, worked on it and even studied it to the point where I am qualified to help other people deal with their nutrition and their health.  I believe I am .. tired of talking about it.  As it turns out, there are other things. Health will always be 'my thing', and I have a strong interest in helping people get healthy and fulfil their potential, but my evenings are now full of those other things. Specifically, things that were crowded out and neglected when my real life was completely absorbed by eating disorders so long ago.

Last night I visited a new friend for the purpose of playing some flute duets. I was totally useless, but she was patient and I left with my soul buzzing. That is the first time I played a flute duet with anyone since I was 15 years old, right about the time that bulimia began tearing my life apart from the inside. I've made an effort lately to connect with people that share my other interests: music, spirituality,  healing, human relationships, travel and business. My reading list is not exclusively books about nutrition and body transformation. 

I no longer walk into a room and mentally scan for people that are fatter, or thinner, than me, although I do have concerns when people look unhealthy - I want to quiz them up on their lifestyle and deliver a lecture :D.  Photographing the food is no longer the most important thing when I go to a cafe or cook a meal.  Most of the time, I forget.  I'd rather meet my readers in person than get blog comments.  Basically, I've changed. A lot.

Finally, I feel free, and it's only really the last 6-8 months that I can truly say that. Mentally, physically, I've moved on and embraced my life in new ways. I would say, I've found myself.

That place I always wanted to be at with my body and health.  I'm finally there. Now what?

What to do with Fit to Blog?  It's not the end. I think there'll be more diverse content (and perhaps a change of name, once the domain comes up for renewal - any ideas?), still health focused, but more holistic.  I'm not going to think too hard about it, let's just see what happens, huh?

And, of course, thanks to everyone that's stuck by me and kept reading over the last 7 years.  That's a long time and we've all come a long way. Go us!

Here's a few food pics, just to prove this post isn't code for 'now I'm just going to eat chocolate and chippies'. 

lunch at Willows Cafe yesterday (market day!)

The ingredients for moroccan lamb

Yesterday's dinner

This morning's breakfast - fell apart but I patched it with yogurt :)

Sara
XX

10 to 1 - Nov 25th

There won't be any exciting overseas travel pics for a while on the 10 to 1. That's because I'm a little cold phobic and try to be back in NZ for summer! I've never done a white Christmas, but when I do, I imagine it being in a ski-lodge, indulging in a little après-ski relaxation.