Back in the saddle, almost

And so begins the process of putting my life back (?) together in a way that is at the very least, a freaking dramatic improvement on the current state of things because, if I take a good look at myself, I'm not that impressed with just about everything. Take away my relationship and what is left? Not a lot just now, but it didn't used to be that way, and perhaps this dementing experience is what I needed to reconnect with myself again. This whole grotty situation might turn into one of those times that I look back on and realise was the catalyst I needed to get my shit together. What's that Taoist saying? 'Good Luck, Bad Luck, who can say?'. At times like this, it can't hurt to turn a little woo woo and start believing in destiny and karma and the power of your girlfriends. Two of my girls practically saved my life with their wise words yesterday.. Kek and Nickib, you deserve chocolate, as much as you want, just go right ahead.

Physically I'm doing fine. I can't face cooking right now, but I've mastered the art of the non-cooking healthy life by discovering the vege-stuffed baked potatoes at C1 cafe and letting my Grandma make me a sandwhich. My appetite is, for the second time in my life, non-existant, even when I'm not really feeling upset. I added up my calories yesterday and at 9pm I'd only eaten 600 calories, a situation which I will rectify today, probably by eating nuts (brazil nuts, maybe). It's funny how the mind links things up. It was my job, in the relationship, to do the grocery shopping and cook dinner and I put a lot of effort into buying quality stuff and inventing nice meals. When I went to the supermarket to pick up some things on Monday I got so overwhelmed with nostalgia (or something) at seeing the very same foods that I used to buy for both of us that I nearly couldn't take it. Same situation when I look in the fridge for something to eat. I am reminded of the past and lose my appetite. Maybe this is why I am only really eating when I'm in the cafe or visiting someone. Clearly I'm a nutcase right now. Exercise, however, is finding a new role as my primary source of endorphins. Yesterday I attempted to run a hill circuit that in 2004 was easy peasy and it defeated me, probably due to lack of food combined with lack of training, but after the attempt I felt clearheaded and a bit more kick-ass anyway. Today I shall go to the gym and TONIGHT I will get back to Salsa at the New Years Party. No point in sitting on my couch feeling like Bridget Jones. I need to get my dumped arse out of the house and into some good times.

Yesterday I did the thing you should never do when getting over someone of significance. I succumbed to my 'got to seeeeee him' feelings and went to pick up some stuff from the house. I sort of thought he might not be there, but at the same time, when I saw his car I only circled the block once before going in. It was a bad move. When I saw him I lost all my jogging induced clear headedness and turned into the psycho stalker girl, which is such a good look. Nope. Even after he told me succinctly that he wasn't missing me at all (well, I had to ask...) I persisted with the sleep-deprived ramblings until he asked me to leave. So, it was a bad move to go there, but at the same time I got some clarity. I realised that the person I'm looking for, the old Jase that adored me and that I had all those fun times with over so many years, is no longer where I used to find him. He is gone. The person that looks like him is still a great guy, but is not him. When I go to the house where he used to be, he's not there. It's a bit like he died, or moved a long way away, and that is probably the most healthy way to look at it. Nothing I can do will bring him back so I've got to stop thinking that way and focus on myself now, because there is a lot of work to do there.