The new 'Day 1'

Post binge, I found myself in that interesting headspace of 'oh, I really f*%$d up, I need to start again. I need a 'proper' day 1, I need to rev myself up, prepare for success and really do it this time. Does this mental process sound familiar to anyone?

Of course, this internal monologue is accompanied by the background sounds of the party starting up because, if there has to be another day 1, a restart, then there has to be a day zero - the day on which it is ok to turn into a food obsessed gluttonous piggy. It's important on day zero to really go for it. Eating enough food to make yourself feel sick is absolutely compulsory because it is symbolic of the changes to come. The thinking goes something like... the size of the day zero binge is directly related to the potential success of the day 1 project.

*Yeah... because that has definitely worked for me in the past* <------ voice of reason and sanity.

And then, there is the most important decision of my life. What day will I start? If it's to be the day, then it seems like it should be somehow symbolically important and instantly memorable. Like today, it's Friday the 13th. That's significant, magical, but is it more significant than all the other, failed day 1's? I've always avoided starting my new life on New Years Day because that's known to be a failing day 1. It's tainted. I've tried significant numerical combinations (07/07/2007), important moments (my nieces birthday, the day my business opened, my 21st, 25th, 30th. ...) and of course, every fatloss challenge has a day 1 (and a day 84 but that's another post waiting to happen, this post is about day 1).

I have had two major long-term fatloss successes in my life as well as one short-term expedition to the land of very lean. The two long-term successes were 1) when I took myself from 74kg to 60kg just by 'eating bit less food' and then, after a few years, I 2) discovered the Zone diet and, by applying the basic principles (I never did any of that tedious counting of food blocks), dropped to about 56kg and settled there easily. What is interesting is that I don't remember a day 1 with either of them and, more importantly I never committed for a certain period of time. There was no 'finish'. I just knew that I had to keep doing what was working forever. With that in mind, I did not eliminate anything from my diet, but just 'worked it in' and I did not binge. Planned cheats were not a feature either. Cheats happened, but then I just got right back on track. Body for Life taught me a lot about how to train my body but it also introduced me to the concept of being 'on' a challenge and then 'off'', 'on' the diet and 'off' on a 'free day'. Focusing on a shorter term goal was a good thing, but losing track of the big picture wasn't and it ultimately backfired. I got into the habit of letting things slide rather alarmingly between challenges because I knew I would soon be getting back on a challenge, with a new day 1, and that the next one would sort me out for good... surely.

Over the past few days, I've been thinking quite hard and seriously about what has worked and what has failed for me. This morning I woke up, told myself that there are no more day 1's or restarts up for the taking and that whatever I am doing now, have done, or will do, as regards eating and training is just part of the whole. Unfortunately, I no longer believe that there is a magical day, or a magical challenge, or a brilliant stunning moment where god will appear and bestow me with a whole new attitude and an easy illuminated path to the body I want. It seems I'm going to have to actually work for it on a daily basis, today, right now. Oh, the terrible, disillusioning, anticlimactic unfairness of it....

Hungry

Yesterday, I overate. Actually, it was a food binge.. of sorts. I ate a heap of miscellaneous carby things, including three bowls of cereal in quick succession. In one of them I actually crumbled up a chocolate brownie (inventive!). Mid third bowl I realised what I was doing and grabbed my journal to figure out why I suddenly had the urge to stuff my face. And the weirdest thing? I'd just returned home from dinner at my sisters house, where I had shunned the pizza and happily ate my healthy and delicious meal that I had previously stored in her freezer. All that virtue.. and then.. an attack of the killer carbs. But, if there is to be a positive side to this slip up (and, why not?), it's that I have finally got to the point where I can ask myself 'why did I do that?' and the responding side of myself usually has a sensible answer that does not end with 'and, because you suck'

The thing is, I'm in a bit of an unstable time, personally and it is becoming clear that I still have many skills to learn as regards dealing with my emotions. I'm seriously considering leaving my job at the factory (nb: for those that may not know the background, this is not related to Sana Direct). The process very much like considering leaving a bad relationship. I know it's bad, but is it fixable? I've invested 5 years of heart and soul into it, it was my dream job, members of my family have a lot money invested there, can I really just walk away and leave it unprotected to inevitably sink down the gurgler along with the staff and loyal (but currently very dissatisfied and pissed off) customers? It's become a question, not of 'what is better?' but, 'what would be worse - to stay or to leave?' It's exactly like the process of considering a romantic break-up. Emotional. Heaps of indecision, conclusion, questioning that conclusion and then procrastinating a little bit longer in the hope that things will improve. I considered going into some detail here and dishing out the dirt for public scrutiny (ah, it would feel so good to do that), and if this was an anonymous blog, I surely would because it's an interesting story, full of drama, but you'll just have to be satisfied with the condensed version. Currently, daily life at the factory is like studying for a qualification that has a minor in solid business practice and a major in bitching and moaning with a few papers like 'lack of communication 101' and 'looking the other way 202.141'. As someone who likes to face the issues, air the issues and take action, I'm consistently frustrated and this frustration is what drove my eating last night. At least I can identify that and, with a bit of awareness, develop more appropriate strategies for dealing with that icky feeling and the equally icky situation for which there is currently no clear resolution (run away screaming? tempting. Paint 'help me' on the roof and sit awaiting rescue? Also tempting, but probably overkill)

I woke up this morning 800g heavier than yesterday, which I consider to be getting off lightly and elected to take a day off just to sort out my thoughts. It was going to be half a day, but then I discovered that I've left my car keys at my sisters house (Jase drove home using his keys to my car) and so I'm not going anywhere. I'm reading a book at the moment called The Hungry Years which has been really helpful as I deal with my tendency to eat when I face a situation that I find emotionally intense - usually this would be when I face insecurity or change (both of which I face if I leave my day job). I've heard it before, said it before, and even claimed to understand it, but now I'm really getting it on a new level how binge eating is like using a drug to anaesthetise yourself (myself) in an emotionally painful situation. A huge amount of food, especially carbs, does do something to the brain that makes an emotional situation recede. Also, during the binge I was thinking not about my feelings, but about food I was eating, or planning to eat next. After the binge, I was not thinking about my feelings immediately, but I was thinking about the food I just ate and what this would do to the size of my thighs. It worked as a distraction and a release from the unrelenting tortured thoughts, but it's a negative in other obvious ways and doesn't actually help me sort myself out!

In the next few days I will write a review on The Hungry Years, but in the meantime, if you are looking for a good read, check out the articles from the Hungry Years site, here.